I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”