“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses