“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
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Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Reporter: *ports again*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn