My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
saw this in a dream
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking