My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”