My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
#JohnTravolta
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
FRED: right
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat