My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
me refusing to leave twitter
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?