Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

my mom making me talk to relatives

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Everything reminds me of my ex

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired