Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

Catercrombie & Fish

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no