@FSUSteve

My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.

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@Brianhopecomedy

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

@jergarl

*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

@ddsmidt

Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.

@Andrea__B__

I’m always just a bit disappointed when a liars pants don’t actually catch on fire.

@LeahsLounge

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

@badbanana

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.