Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
This makes total sense…
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.