ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Seems legit
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”