My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
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Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
“You’d better run, egg!”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”