My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Good morning, Twitter x
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
