My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
work smarter, not harder
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”