Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her