Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.