My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
You Might Also Like
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.