My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”