My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
cats when you pet them too long:
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!