Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept