My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.