My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.