My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.