My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
can’t talk my ride’s here