My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
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Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I’m good, thanks.
Got him!
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.