My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Please vote for people who are attractive
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Everyone is getting idioter.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions