My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok