My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
just left a huge legacy in there
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but