My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

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911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead


*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]


My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.


Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.


stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman


I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish


I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.