@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

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@Matt_the_1st

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

@iwearaonesie

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

@treydayway

Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.

@KrangTNelson

stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman

@Mom_Overboard

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

@khatragirl

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.