@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

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@only_one_ee

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

@Schindizzle

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

@birbigs

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

@dulcetry

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

@shutupmikeginn

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

@majoleaguetweet

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

@ArfMeasures

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day