My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
You Might Also Like
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Don’t we all.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
what the hell pray for carter everyone
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.