My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.![]()
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
British websites use biscuits.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”