Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]