Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

My loaf of bread looks terrified

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.