Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

Carpe DM

selfie game

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.