Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

is losing your mind a hobby?

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

you know what ruined my childhood? children

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

“How’s your day going?”

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it