My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean