My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.