The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Finished stitching this today 😇
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later