My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.