My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“you changed” bro i was 15
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
This is the one
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
When news reporters do sports stories
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣