My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
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Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.