My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The news
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
