My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Whoa 😂
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder