My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.