My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways