Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

im all 3

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger