My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
That’s enough internet for the day
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.