Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint