Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

this could fix me

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

GM✌🏻

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.