My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”