My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.