My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on