My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.