Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.