My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”