My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Probably my best painting.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe