My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.