My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
