My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Do not steal food from the science building!
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes