My joke about a partition wall really split the room
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this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky