My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Shower sex be like:
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin