Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.