“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
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One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY