Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.