Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

real

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs