My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
How to draw a duck
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I can’t be the only one 😂
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game