My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though