Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.