Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Spotted in the wild

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy