Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.