My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
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Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?